Wow, what a gigantic pain in the ass this was to get a hold of. While VHS is great for some and sometimes gives older movies that “old school” feel, I was bound and determined to find a working DVD copy of Cryptz. I purchased this no less than 3 times on DVD and received it via both Blockbuster and Netflix and every copy was a dud. The movie froze about 25 minutes in with no recourse and taking measures to pull, if you will, the movie from the disc returned the same result.
The other day I figured I would visit my local Hollywood Video store and low-and-behold, they had a copy of Cryptz. I expected the same result as the previous discs when I got home but, believe it or not, it worked! So woooo!
As for the actual movie, I didn’t have many high hopes for it but read along.
The basic idea behind this (Fuck you, I’m) Danny (Motherfucking) Draven produced and directed Shadow Entertainment/Big City Pictures (re: Killjoy 1 and ..ugh.. 2, The Horrible Dr. Bones, The Vault, etc) installment circles around three “rappers” (who never actually rap) by the names of Tymez Skwared (Mr. Main Character Power), Fuzzy Down (aka Tardy Downz) and Likirish (who does a great low-budget Chris Tucker, down to the voice and all) on their search for that sweet pootenanny and the troubles it eventually brings them. Just a side note - I’m sure I spelled the characters’ names wrong and honestly, I don’t care. I’m too lazy to IMDB it and they all had ridiculously stupid spellings to begin with, so butchering the spellings is not doing them an injustice by any stretch of the imagination. Way to go, Draven.
One day while discussing their future rap careers, which apparently involves not rapping at all, an attractive woman walks by and after coming at her with several extremely bad pick up lines, they discover she works somewhere called “Cryptz”. She refuses to disclose the location of this clearly fine establishment and gives ol’ Tymez a pinch on the cheek and keeps moving.
Intrigued, Tymez calls our resident “creepy motherfucker”, Truck, to see if he knows where they can find this Cryptz joint and therein, this “fine honey”. Truck doesn’t know where its at but does warn them that it’s no good and to duct tape Tymez down to the bed before sunset. Of course our 3 fellows think this is some sort of joke and of course as soon as the sun sets, they’re off, at Tymez urging, sceeching around the city eventually finding the club.
Once inside, we’re treated to shots of the fine decor which is, according to the credits, some dude involved in the movie’s “place”. We’re also the happy recipients of a girl doing an admittedly fantastic pole dance routine to a horrible trance tune that literally goes on for about 15 minutes off-and-on.
Our boys soon find out that pole dances by flat chested women isn’t the only thing going on in “Cryptz” and, in fact, it is infested by evil vampire “bitches” hell bent on taking over the world.
I won’t spoil the rest for you.
While I hate Danny Draven much in the fashion that I would hate having my nuts unceremoniously stuffed in to a Salad Shooter ™, I must say that Cryptz was pretty good. It took after the first Killjoy flick in that there is some comedy to be had here along with a healthy dose of oozing, cheap gore. The acting is on par with the other Big City flicks (i.e – terrible) and the soundtrack is awful too. Production value is early 00′s Full Moon par for the course and the DVD does feature a few trailers as well as a making of (which I was too frightened to watch).
I’d recommend checking this out. I’m not happy about giving Danny Draven positive points for anything but he did a pretty good job with this and put together a terribly bad, yet fun movie.
***1/2 out of 5.
