If you have read any of my other reviews for flicks involving Danny Draven (you probably haven’t), then you are aware of my distaste for him.

With that said, Horror Vision is Danny Draven’s self-congratulatory one-man reacharound. The main character even takes his last name. Draven’s mug is pasted all over the special features and appears at least 9 times in the opening credits. We get it. You are Danny motherfucking Draven from Dayton, Ohio (one more reason to dislike him), your web site is conveniently advertised throughout the movie including on the main character’s back. And lastly, as a reminder, you are Danny MOTHERFUCKING Draven and god damnit, I better recognize.

LAME.

Despite the fact that I’d love to see Danny Draven suplexed into a swimming pool full of Vietnamise Bird Eating Tarantulas, I’ve got a “job” to do here. Reluctantly.

The movie opens with Dez, a proprietor of at least one adult website which, amazingly, apparently has enough subscribers to pay the bills..which I find virtually impossible given the shitty content which is also available via your favorite goth page on Geocities and lives with his girlfriend Dazzy ..who has a face only the inside of a brown paper bag could love. They are planning on stopping over at Brinke Stevens’ crib to pick up her newest batch of “content”.

We switch to Brinke, who completes her 5 minute cameo by getting attacked and evaporated into thin air via a swirling mess of 1? flex and telephone wires. She is the first victim of HorrorVision.com – a poorly designed website that apparently sucks viewers in with the same content Dez has, just at hyperspeed. Weak.

Dez breaks into Brinke’s crib (which is, admittedly pretty cool) to snag his CD and realizes she is nowhere to be found. Oh well, I guess.

Dazzy’s the next victim of the website, but somehow Dez fends off it’s powerful Kai’s Power Goo and low-end version of 3D Studio wrath.

Sometime shortly thereafter (I watched this like 4 days ago), James Black continues in his b-movie version of a pornstar contract girl with Full Moon by appearing in, and being the only remotely bright spot character-wise, yet another FM flick. Why does this remind me of the Matrix? Right down to Black’s costume and character name.

They track down Dazzie and Brinke (Toni) archived on CD and guarded by a somewhat menacing looking freak I believe played by Chuck Williams. He explains they will never return back to life, haha haha, blah blah, hahaha hahahaHAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

There’s a bunch of padding, then some more padding, then they drive through the desert for some more padding, and knowing this is only a 70 minute movie, I’m dying for something to happen from the 57th minute on. And it does..sorta.

Mephisto, the evil computer Horror Vision overlord of death 6,000 (also played by Chuck Williams) shows up thanks to the fact that Dez gets stock alerts on his decidedly 80’s-calculator style wrist watch and is therefore “connected”. The only way to kill him is to, get this, destroy the watch.

And I’ll leave it there.

As much as I hate Danny Draven, I must say his direction in this is pretty good. I will also note that the make-up/fx for the main villain and his goon are pretty solid for a movie of this sort as well. Everything else is just plain aggravating. This is a DV movie, which is fine, except when there is action and that is where DV fails. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of moving about (although not much action.)

If you don’t despise Danny Draven and want a light chuckle, grab you a copy of Horror Vision and a large amount of your intoxicant of choice. You’re going to need it.